Curator of Unhappiness

God seems quite a hypothetical being and so does the theories of positivity claiming be positive and have the things fine, have faith and be a winner, all days aren’t the same, some day things work out well and so on…  Again, the theory of karma, birth & rebirth doesn’t seem to influence me much.

It feels as if things will never change, nothing good will ever take place. All things including God, prayer, scriptures, mythology, and tons and tons of theories and even those world recognized philosophies simply appear as mere excuses to keep yourself happy and face the hard times that are making your life miserable.

But how long can anyone falsely motivate their own selves saying one day the things will be fine when years after years, things go on languidly morbid with tough time, pains, miseries, and failures after failures? When the world seems useless, you find everyone doing fine and not you, just not you – yourself.

Never getting any of your dreams coming true, never getting any of your expectation changing into reality, howsoever hard you try to make the things do well. You are bound to believe that things will never be fine, and dreams are most deceptive things to have in your life. 

You almost become a curator of unhappiness and feel extremely relaxed when you know you’ll be sad, sadder, the saddest, and unhappiness will never leave you alone. You feel so good when you no more have to tell lies to your self that there’s a next time, things will be fine, you’ll do well and so on.

So beautiful the very feeling of committing suicide look, death adds all possible romance, it looks no less than a royal castle with all good things somewhere far like those fairy lands we read in fairy tales as kids.

Death hurts... enfeebles... takes away all dreams...

No I disagree with those who say that we cry selfish tears when somebody dies or goes away, those who say that we don't love them but are simply dependent on them for some or other reason and with their deaths we are forced to live by on our own and do the stuffs all alone.

It's certainly not true. It isn't always that we are dependent on somebody, or we have some expectations, sometimes even a death of an unknown person, who has never been a part of your life but has deeply touched you by his own exmplary life can make you cry for long long hours.

And sometimes, it is a blood relation or a friendship, or a just an acquantaince but no expectation at all in the relationship, no dependency at all, but you cry like hell... when the person goes away...The death, the bereavement kills you, makes you feeble & weak, you stop existing, you stop living, you feel like a living dead body, or perhaps living a lifeless life.

Just want to ask, if anyone can ever explain, why does Death have so much of power, so much of strength? Why it enfeebles you? Why it makes you faithless, broken, tormented...why why why???

How great it would be to be all alone, with no strings attached to anyone on earth, with no relations, no friends, no acquaintences, with no family... living a life hopelessly alone, with nobody at all... at least you'll not cry when anybody dies.... or goes away... there won't be any memories  haunting you all through the day, night, even weeks, and months... there won't be any more breavements touching you so badly and taking your soul to hell.....

What's Freedom for you?? here's my definition...

Hey how d’ya define freedom? D’ya have any set definition for it? I’m pretty sure, every person has his or her own way of explanation, based on entirely different concepts of thinking leading to totally different definitions.

Yet I’d like to tell what my concept of freedom, as we read way back in our middle schools, how in the terms of chemistry, things keep losing their selves to reach their elemental forms, so a molecule turns into atoms, and each of the atoms break further down to electrons, protons, and neutrons…

How every chemical compound wants to break free from its bonds that it has with two or more elements. And become free. I feel to be free, our bodies will get mashed like tomato purees, and then washed out well in water or burnt in fire, or left in hard winds to blow us away.

And finally every little bit of our body will turn into independent tiny particles all free to go anywhere they want…. How I want to be free… want my body be crushed, pureed, bones broken, the tendons, cartilages, muscles, tissues all mashed up, the energy all gone….

The life force that make us walk, speak, listen, understand… and do all other things finally broken with a blast and spread every where around… so I’ll be in the sky, on the land, in the water, every where at the same time… I’ll be free.. free forever….

Are You There? I'm Talking to You...

You’re there or you aren’t there? Quite a mesmerizing question but the thing is whichever way it is going to be, it’ll hurt me. Yes, it will indeed. Your being there, your being true, your being somebody, will be as hurtful for me as your not being there, your not being true, and your not being somebody. 

Now the trouble is that if you’re really there, your existence is genuinely true, what’s the use? You’re a kind of invisible, nobody has ever seen you. You don’t respond when I call you, when I cry hard, when I’m in pain and have nobody to share my plights with. People say prayers are heard, you listen to every prayer. I don’t know how correct they are, you’ve simply stopped listening to me. 

I do pray sometimes but frankly, I don’t find you there to listen to me, you are like, nowhere, I kind or search you here, there, everywhere, but you’re missing … yeah missing from everywhere. You’re a deaf, a blind, and mute. You neither here our plights, pains, agonies, and finally the prayers; you don’t see us crying hard, you don’t see how much pain is around and it is engulfing the human creed; nor you speak, you never come and say some sweet words to make us feel fine, to make us feel relaxed. 

You could see, talk, listen in the scriptures of all the religions of the earth then why can’t you do the same in the real world, the world out of the scriptures, the world out of the myths and legends, why? Why is it so?

But even if it happens that scientists win their age-old battle with the spirituals, and it gets declared that you simply don’t exist, it too will be hurtful, for even if we pray half in disbelief yet the other halves of your minds have some secret belief in you. Even when we argue you aren’t there, there’s a secret hope that some day you’ll come to rescue the humanity, there’ll be no more tears, pains, and agonies. This secret hope, this secret belief is enough fuel for us to live, wait for one more day before we finally commit suicide, before we finally go insane. 

Now if your existence becomes totally nullified, the hope and belief will be nullified as well. But don’t know what to do… please tell me are you there? Please listen to me … just once… please answer me just once… please don’t close all your doors… how can you be so unsympathetic, so unkind… so cruel…

Simply Don't Know...

I don't know whom to believe, the Gods, the philosophers, or the ritualists. All look the same from some or other side. sometimes Philosophy makes it easy to forget all pains and live well, but then you try entering the world full of people who kind of hate philosophy or perhaps they just don't understand it, here starts a new battle, a battle between you, your heart, and this world which sometimes appear so familiar and sometimes unknown and totally obscure and you try to understand it in that very way, in which it comes to you, in which it portrays itself to you, but sadly, you fail there again.

You try taking refuge in scriptures full of Gods, you start believing they exist, they are near, they are real, but one little hurt makes you think they aren't there and even if they are there they aren't meant for you or are totally deaf toward you cries, sobs, and the riots of shouts and screams going inside your heart.

Here you begin a new journey with the ritualists, who come up their own weird notions and ask you to blindly believe them. And being hurt, lost, and bewildered with thing around, you start following them too....

you try listening to others, what they say, what they want, but... at the end you only realize, you are here, either to go on a war against the world, against people, ritualists, Gods, and all those you have ever known or silently follow them feeling week, feeble and useless.

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